The Strongest Woman I Know
Author: Sara Delgado, PhD
“What I didn’t realize at the time was that she was teaching me how to be a strong woman who was not afraid to walk alone. She was coaching me to stand up for myself, even physically, and not to be afraid. ”
Lessons in leadership and humanity can come from formal classrooms and halls of learning. They can also come from everyday experiences. Sometimes you may not understand the lessons for what they are until much later. I am who I am as a leader and a human being due to many influences. But, one of the greatest influences in my life comes from someone that I consider to be the strongest woman I know, my Grandma Vonnie.
I spent a lot of time with my grandmother growing up. We would have dinner at her house every Sunday, and often during the summer, I would stay after and spend the night. She lives on a farm, so the next morning, I would slip on my very own pair of barn boots that sat next to hers on the porch and help her feed the animals. We would work on puzzles and I would always make sure the candy jar was filled to the top. We did a lot together. Often, we would go on outings to the store, to visit my grandfather’s gravesite, to pick up meat at the market, and to get ice cream. We always got white house cherry. It was our favorite. At that time, she owned a movie theatre, so I would go there with her in the evenings and help her pop the popcorn, sell the entry tickets, and then follow her around with her flashlight once the movie had started so she could shine it at people and yell at them to get their feet off of the seats. Many of my childhood friends remember her movie theatre flashlight, but not fondly. Once the movie was up and running, we would often sit up in the balcony, where no one was allowed but family, and watch the show. Sometimes if she was very busy working, she would allow me to go up there and sit alone. It felt very special! But honestly, it really didn’t matter what we were doing. I just enjoyed spending time with her.
What I didn’t realize until I was an adult was how much I was learning from her in those seemingly mundane moments. My grandma became a widow at age 55. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been for her at the time. But, she never let it show. Or at least she didn’t to me. So while I was trailing behind her for all of the moments that might have seemed like typical daily activities at the time, I was really observing how independent women acted in various situations. I watched her navigate the markets and her home without the help of a man. She always made sure the work got done on her farm and rarely asked for help.
One of the places, however, where that was most evident was at the movie theatre. She was in charge there. That was incredibly obvious. Not just by her title, but by her actions. I watched as she interviewed, hired, and fired employees. I saw her take inventory of the candy, pop, and popcorn, balance the books, and order what was needed. I observed as she updated the answering machine weekly with the coming attractions for the following week. I accompanied her as she walked to the bank to deposit each night’s earnings. I also watched as she corrected papers for her day job while the movie was playing. That’s right, on top of all of these things that my grandma and I did together, she was also an English and Latin teacher at the local high school. She went back to college and got that job, by the way, after birthing and raising nine children. When I say that my grandma is the strongest woman I know, that is not just a phrase I am using to represent her spitfire personality. It is the absolute truth.
As I got older, everything that I was observing on a daily basis slowly turned into life lessons. My grandma gave me my first job when I was 14 working at her movie theatre. Even though I had been going there with her for years, now I was going to get paid for it. I was so excited. I can still remember walking into the theatre for my first shift that day. I remember exactly what I was wearing, short little shorts that had sunflowers on them, and a white shirt with the same sunflower in the middle. The shirt was also short, and when I raised my arms up, you could see my belly. I believe the phrase we used to describe those shirts at the time was “belly shirts.” The theatre did not have uniforms, and to me this seemed like a cute little outfit for my first day of work. Cut me a break, I was 14. I walked in with a smile on my face. My grandma turned to look at me and said, “Go home.”
“What? Why?” I replied.
“Go home and come back when you're dressed appropriately for work,” she barked. Anyone who knows her and is reading this right now can imagine the exact tone of voice that she used when saying this. No one questions grandma, so I called my mom to come to get me and take me home to change. At the time, I probably rolled my eyes or thought it was unnecessary. But, that was my first lesson, at the age of 14, in how to get your boss to take you seriously. First impressions are everything.
As I continued to work at the movie theatre with my grandmother, the life lessons I received at that job were invaluable. I worked there with her all through high school until I went away to college. You might think, oh how nice, your grandma was your boss, you probably got off easy and got the best schedule of all. Ummm, no. Not with my grandma. “You won’t be getting those breaks in life, so you won’t get them here with me either,” she said. I remember begrudgingly having to leave her own dinner table on Thanksgiving to go to work at the movie theatre. “Who goes to the movie on Thanksgiving?” I had retorted in a very teenage way. It turns out, many people do. She did prepare me a plate to take with me in case I got hungry while I was there, though.
As I progressed through high school, she made me the assistant manager, which wasn’t just a title. She gave me more responsibility, and I had to learn how to manage people and products. As I look back now as an adult with a doctoral degree in organizational leadership, many of the lessons about leading people that I write about now started for me back at the movie theatre in high school. Some of the initial responsibilities she gave me were to change the answering machine message to update it to the new movie weekly. It was a thrill to hear my own voice when I called the theatre. When I was first assigned that responsibility, I would just call to hear myself on the machine and would think about how all of the callers were hearing it too. That excitement eventually wore off, but it was incredibly empowering as a teenager. I also started to do the weekly inventory and place the orders for the cups, popcorn, and candy needed for the upcoming week. I was the projectionist, so I had to put together the reels of movies that came each week and get them prepared for showing. And if there was a problem during the movie, I had to run up to the projection booth to fix it, which involved splicing and taping the film back together with a splicing machine. I can remember doing that multiple times with the crowd booing and jeering because they wanted the movie back on. Talk about learning how to stay calm under pressure, a life skill that I now use daily.
My grandma also showed me to reconcile the financials and make deposits. Part of that responsibility involved physically depositing the cash at the bank nightly, something I had watched her do many times before. But, before she allowed me to make my first nightly deposit alone, she taught me how to put one of my keys from my keyring in between each of my fingers and walk toward the deposit box with my hand in a fist and the keys sticking out. This was in case anyone tried to rob or attack me when I was walking out of the theatre or up to the bank with the money. I was supposed to punch them as hard as I could with the keys sticking out. She showed me how to hold the keys and what to do if it happened. What I didn't realize at the time was that she was teaching me how to be a strong woman who was not afraid to walk through life alone. She was coaching me to stand up for myself, even physically, and not to be afraid.
Another valuable lesson I mastered at the movie theatre was how to deal with upset customers when they didn’t get what they wanted. Often, it was that they weren’t allowed to come to a rated R movie because they weren’t old enough. Funny to reflect on that now, because most likely I wasn’t old enough to see the movie either, but I had been given the responsibility to tell them they couldn’t. My grandma taught me to interview candidates for jobs as well. I would do the first round interviews and then pass the candidates on to her if I thought they deserved a second interview. I can only imagine what some of the adult candidates thought of a 17-year-old kid sitting on the other side of the interview table asking questions. The fact that I was just a kid performing these duties did not even cross my mind at the time. My grandma empowered me to believe I could do anything at that very young age, which is probably why when I was hired as an elementary school principal at the young age of 33, it never crossed my mind that my age would be a restriction to being able to lead.
All of these are lessons and skills that I use constantly in leadership now as an adult. First impressions are everything, staying calm under pressure, not being afraid to walk through life alone, conflict resolution when someone is upset, and the importance of nailing an interview are life skills that I had the privilege of learning through experience at a young age. For four years at that theatre, my grandma and I were a great team. We made it work, and as far as I know she never got questioned about the kid running the theatre when she wasn’t around. Or once again, if she did, she never let me know about it.
Not only is my grandma an amazing teacher, leader, and example of a strong woman, she is also a world traveler. She loves to travel. I was lucky enough to be able to accompany her on many trips during my childhood, adolescence, and even now as an adult. One of those trips, however, stands out as one where I learned a couple of very valuable life lessons from her. After my senior year of high school, my grandma took a group of her high school students to Greece, and I was lucky enough to go along with them. Traveling to another country can be intimidating, especially as you learn about their customs and traditions. But, not for my grandma. She was the same strong woman on this trip that I knew from our life at home. When we arrived in Greece, it turned out that some of our luggage had been lost on the trip. Mine was one of the pieces of luggage. My grandma and I waited at the customer service counter to talk to them about the luggage and figure out what to do next. The problem was that almost everyone in line around us was Greek, so they were all yelling out in Greek simultaneously. I assume they were asking questions about their luggage or travel plans as well, but all I remember is a very noisy, chaotic environment. Since everyone around us was yelling in Greek, person after person was allowed to pass in front of us and go to the counter, even though we were in front of them in line. I quickly realized that in Greece, people didn’t form nice straight lines between roped partitions like I was used to in the US. They were in clumps and crowds that were pushing and shoving to be the next one called upon to go to the front of the line.
My grandma and I tried to wait patiently to be called, but after the 4th or 5th person had been called to the counter despite being behind us in line, my grandma couldn’t take it anymore. She screamed, louder than anyone else was yelling, “WHEN IS IT MYYYYYYY TURN?” I believe she also slammed her hand down on the counter while yelling. I don’t remember if the entire crowd became silent at that time, but in my memory of the event, that is what happened. Everyone became silent and looked over at my grandma, as she was immediately called up to the counter and we were taken care of. At that moment, I learned from my grandma that you should try to deal with people respectfully and patiently at first, but if that isn’t getting you anywhere, and you continue to be ignored, you should scream at the top of your lungs. As an adult, I know that whether the screaming is literal or figurative, it is important to claim your seat at the table, make sure that your thoughts and ideas are heard, and you are treated with the amount of respect that you deserve. Especially as a woman in leadership.
On that same trip, once my luggage arrived, I realized very quickly that I had overpacked. And not just by a little bit. I was 18, so I obviously took great care in selecting my outfits. I also packed a pair of shoes to match every outfit. And multiple outfits for every day, just in case. The thing about these educational trips is that you typically don’t arrive, check into one hotel, and stay there the entire time. On this trip specifically, we would be spending 4 days in Athens and then taking a cruise around the Grecian islands. So, there would be lots of checking in and out of different hotels and dragging our suitcases from one place to the next. Let me tell you, pulling a suitcase around the streets of Greece is very different than pulling them across a nicely polished tile floor at the airport. I soon realized that the cobblestone streets in Greece were going to be challenging to drag my humongous suitcase around on. By the time we got to the airport on the last day of the trip and were looking for our gate to get all checked in, I was tired and exhausted from dragging my huge suitcase around. So, while the chaperones looked for gate information, I sighed audibly and sat down on my suitcase in the middle of the airport lobby.
My dad, who was also on the trip, walked by and I yelled after him, “Dad, PLEEEEASE, carry my suitcase?” He glanced back at me just as my grandma was zipping by with her tiny carry-on sized bag and stopped to look right at me.
She said, “No, he will not carry your bag. You need to learn to pack better. Now toughen up! Let’s go!”
I sat there and stared after her as she walked away and thought to myself, WOW. That is a line I will never forget. Toughen up. Ok, I thought, I will do just that, as I stood up and followed her trying my best to keep up. When times get tough in my life now, and I start to feel sorry for myself, I remember those words my grandma said on that day in an airport in Greece. Toughen up, Sara.
Also, I am now a much better packer.
On top of all of these lessons on strength, my grandma taught me another very important life lesson, which I consider to be the most important of all. The power and importance of family. I mentioned that she has 9 kids, so what that means is that she has over 60 grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We are a huge family, which comes with many benefits. We are all very skilled in listening to multiple conversations at once and jumping from one conversation to another without skipping a beat. We are also skilled in realizing that we are not the center of the universe and not everything in life is a big freaking deal. Often in life, I meet someone and really click with them then soon after discover that they are also from a big family. Ahhh, I always think. Makes perfect sense.
My entire life my grandma has made Sunday dinner for anyone from the family who could come. Some weeks there are 40 people there and others there are less than 10. She is Italian, so she makes homemade pasta or gnocchi (fondly referred to as little men by my family) weekly, on special holidays she makes ravioli using her own homemade cheese. She also makes potatoes, chicken, pies, cakes, and ice cream each week to make sure everyone who comes to dinner has something that they like to eat. Sunday dinners were one of the highlights of my week growing up, and when I can get home to visit now, they still are.
It’s not just the amazing food that makes Sunday dinners so special. It’s the time we spend together after. As kids, my cousins and I would run around outside and play, or go downstairs into her basement where we would rotate between several self-invented games such as floor is poisonous, pinch butt slip and slide, or huckle buckle beanstalk to entertain ourselves. It wasn’t until I went away to college that I learned that not all families played these games. Huckle buckle beanstalk involved hiding an empty bullet casing (lots of hunters in our family) and yelling “HUCKLE BUCKLE READY!!!” The cousins would all come running in and search for the bullet casing while the hider called out “HUCKLE BUCKLE WARM, HUCKLE BUCKLE COLD, etc.” When I got to college I remember the odd looks I got from my friends when I discovered that no, they did not play a game growing up that involved hiding empty bullet casings for their cousins to find.
While the kids played, the adults socialized. As I got older and stopped running outside or to the basement to play, I realized the time that the adults spent inside was just as precious as our time playing outside. Now that I stay inside with the adults, we talk about what is going on in each other’s lives and tell funny jokes and stories, often the same ones every week, but we laugh just as hard every time. My grandma always sits at the head of the table with a glass of milk looking around at her family. It is easy to see that Sunday dinners are also the highlight of her week, getting to see her family all together, storytelling, playing, and continuing to build relationships that create a strong, unified family unit.
In addition to Sunday dinners, since I was 10 years old, my grandma has hosted an annual party that EVERYONE in the family comes home for. It is a yearly family reunion of sorts, but it is outside, in her barn. It is fondly referred to as the barn dance, and the entire town knows about it. Heck, my friends who live nowhere near my hometown know about it as well and beg for invites every year. We have a square dance band, hot dogs, apple cider, bobbing for apples, hayrides, a bonfire, and lots of dancing. This is an annual event that everyone in the family looks forward to. I have never, ever missed one. My sophomore year of high school, the homecoming dance was the same night. So, I went to the homecoming dance and then after showed up at the barn dance with my date in my blue velvet dress and heels.
A few years ago I accidentally bought Elton John tickets for his farewell tour the same day as the barn dance. I didn’t realize when I bought them that the dates conflicted. It occurred to me several months before the big event, so I decided to call Grandma and see if she could change the date. It was Elton John after all! Since we have a good relationship, I figured she would give in to me and change it. I am a lot like my grandma, so I am usually successful in trying to convince people to go along with my ideas. I picked up the phone and dialed. When she answered, I blurted out, “Grandma, I just realized that my Elton John tickets conflict with the barn dance! It is his farewell tour. Would you consider changing the date? There’s plenty of time until the barn dances so I’m sure people could adjust their calendars.” It all seemed very logical to me.
Without even pausing to consider, she answered in a matter-of-fact voice, “The barn dance is always the second weekend in October. Sorry about your concert.” That was it. Thinking back on that conversation, it makes me smile. It didn’t even cross her mind that I wouldn’t come to the barn dance, she never ever considered that I would choose the concert over the yearly family event. And neither did I. I sold the Elton John tickets the next day.
I know that my grandma enjoys the barn dance because of the dancing. In fact, she has a sweatshirt that says “Barn Goddess” that she dons every year with pride. She is also famous for walking around the barn dance all night yelling, “TIME TO DANCE, EVERYONE! ANOTHER SET IS STARTING!” She loves to see us all dancing with the band, but, I think that even more, she enjoys that night because every year it is a time that all 9 of her children and most of her grandchildren make the trip home. We are all together, even if just for that one weekend celebrating, enjoying each other’s company, and of course, barn dancing. And since the barn dance always falls on a Saturday, you know what that means for the next day...Sunday dinner. A perfect family weekend.
Through these Sunday dinners and the annual barn dances, my grandma taught me the most important lesson that I learned from her since becoming an adult. The importance of family. One year at the annual dance, she was sitting on a hay bale, watching her children and grandchildren dance around to the square dance caller and my cousin walked up, put his arm around her, and asked, “How does it feel to know you created all of this?” She smiled, but stayed quiet. But I know, without her even saying a word, that watching us all enjoy what she has created is the greatest gift of all.
Many life lessons that I have carried into adulthood came from my grandma. I consider myself a strong, independent woman. I’m not afraid to speak up for my beliefs, to go places alone, I scream at the top of my lungs if I don’t feel like I am being heard, and when things get hard, I take a deep breath and I toughen up. But, above all, I love and value my family more than anything. I am blessed to have come from a big family that spends lots of time learning, growing, and laughing together. That is life’s biggest gift. I learned all of this and much more from my Grandma Vonnie, the strongest woman I know.
